you lied. pity sex is amazing.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize