It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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