Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
