before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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