Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
