I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
