If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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