i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize