Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
