I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
