how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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