I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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