If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
