haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
