The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
