afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
