I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
