life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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