My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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