Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
