dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
