think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
