even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
