The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
