Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
