omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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