and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
