She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
