can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
