Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
