Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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