I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
