For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
