saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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