why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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