Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Please, let me fuck your mom
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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