Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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