considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
