You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
