He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
