i will never coherently bang her
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
