So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Are we still banned from the library?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
