a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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