I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize