Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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