Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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