I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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