I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I will die if light touches me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
