I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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