Swine flu. Run for my life!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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