matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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