i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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