Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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