her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She told me I should be a condom model.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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