why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
