I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
not ubering you a puppy
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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