he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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