First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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