Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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