I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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