She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
