I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
