the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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