Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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