Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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