you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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