I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
