Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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