it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
