why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
