Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
lol hangovers are for mortals.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
